Red Lake Nation News

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. Mom, I want a bike for my birthday. Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carols mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did. Carols mother,…

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2011-11-27 Humor, 1:43 am. E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriends purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, Id like to apologize for your…

1. I think part of a best friends job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize youre wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didnt want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 10. Bad decisions make good stories. 14. I keep some peoples phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call….

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE. AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, WOULDNT A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING? THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND. I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR…

In a humorous video recently shown on Jimmy Kimmel Live, and interviewer asks young people at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival what they think about various non-existent indie bands. (Some commenters on YouTube and Gawker feel the questions were added afterward, and that the people being interviewed might originally have been talking about bands that do exist.) Read more at

Star Tribune Editorial cartoon: Evaluating teachers.

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up 4 cans, and took them to the check-out counter. The girl at the cash register said, Im sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat. The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold…

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, Jesus knows youre here. He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard Jesus is watching you. Freaked out, he shined his…

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his ther were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, What is this Father? The ther (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is. While the boy and his ther were watching with amazement, a t old…

6th Place It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: Would you like dinner? the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row. What are my choices? the man asked. Yes or no, she replied. 5th Place A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without blinking an eyelid she said, Sir,…

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic. The priest replied: That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that….

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun….I ask you a question, and if you dont know…

During these serious and troubled times, people of all iths should remember these four great religious truths: 1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as Gods Chosen People. 2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 3.Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world. 4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store. GOOD SAMARITAN A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan….

Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts around Sams Club when they collide. The old timer said to the young guy, Sorry about that. Im looking for my wife, and I guess I wasnt paying attention to where I was going. The young guy said, Thats OK. Its a coincidence. Im looking for my wife, too. I cant find her and Im getting a little desperate. The old guy said, Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your…

Red Lake Nation News P.O. Box 80, Redby, MN

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his hot cocoa. Whats the matter, dear? she whispers as she steps into the room, Why are you down here at this…

The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide,new york escort holding a net, yelled, Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch! Son, Im a priest. Your language is uncalled for! No, Father, thats what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish! Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch! Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster. Father,…

She may be on to something… As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, it suddenly occurred to me that I dont really give a rats ass. Think about this: 1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is t. 3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4. A tortoise doesnt run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And…

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men? A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in shion sense The man walks up to him and says, I didnt know you were into earrings. Dont make such a big deal, its only an earring, he replies sheepishly. His friend lls silent for a…

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1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory…. I dont remember what I chose. 2 Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom ctory. 3. A wife is a object. Every time you ask for , she objects. 4. Impotence: natures way of saying, No hard feelings… 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – dont and stop, unless they are used together. 6. Panties: Not the…

Ill tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, its going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $10.00. Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It wont be long before $2,000.00 will only buy a used one. If cigarettes keep going up in price, Im going to quit; 20 cents a pack is ridiculous. Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter. If they raise the minimum wage to $1…

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one question. The question posed by St. Peter is What is Easter? The first blonde replies, Oh, thats easy! Its the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and is thankful… Wrong! You are not welcome here, Im afraid. You must go to…

A young boy went up to his ther and asked him, Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically? The ther thought for a moment, then answered, Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if hed sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that….

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumour had it that he was marrying a mail order bride. Being a good friend, the banker askedTom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, Shell be twenty-one in November. Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the…

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted Crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (whos blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was Crazy and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss…

Content and information copyright 2013 Red Lake Nation News.

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as shed done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet good-bye! I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet good-bye…. 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He…

Two ninety year old Ojibwe men, Joe and Sam, have been friends all their lives. It seems that Sam is dying, so Joe comes to visit him. Sam, says Joe, You know how we have both loved to sing and dance all our lives. Sam, you have to do me one vor. When you go, somehow youve got to tell me if there are powwows in heaven. Sam looks up at Joe from his death bed and says, Joe, youve been my friend many years. This vor Ill do for you. And…

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE… (1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. (2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. (3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that…

O.M.G., Im rich! Silver In The Hair Gold In The Teeth Crystals In The Kidneys Sugar In The Blood Lead In The Ass Iron In The Arteries And An Inexhaustible Supply Of Natural Gas….

Dan was a single guy living at home with his ther and working in the mily business. Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune, when his sickly ther dies. He decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary guy, he said to her, but in just a few years…

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