Clean Jokes and Humor

A Yankees n.

What about my change?

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo sari in Africa, taking her ithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that shes lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, Oh, oh! Im in trouble now! Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here? Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. Whew! says the leopard, That was close! That old poodle nearly had me! Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, Here, monkey, hop on my back and see whats going to happen to that conniving canine! The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, What am I going to do now?, but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasnt seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: Wheres that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! [forwarded by Smitty]

~ We must polish the Polish furniture. ~ He could lead if he would get the lead out. ~ The rm was used to produce produce. ~ The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. ~ The soldier decided to desert in the desert. ~ This was a good time to present the present. ~ A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. ~ When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. ~ I did not object to the object. ~ The insurance was invalid for the invalid. ~ The bandage was wound around the wound. ~ There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. ~ They were too close to the door to close it. ~ The buck does funny things when the does are present. ~ They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. ~ To help with planting, the rmer taught his sow to sow. ~ The wind was too strong to wind the sail. ~ After a number of injections my jaw got number. ~ Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear. ~ I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. ~ How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? Youre crazy. — Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This telephone has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us. –Western Union internal memo, 1876 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. — Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. Hes doomed. — Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau. — Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. — Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After learning of the Dirac equation and seeing just three particles (protons, electrons, and photons), Max Born in 1930 said, Physics as we know it will be over in six months. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When asked about the uses of radio waves which he just discovered in 1886, Heinrich Hertz declared them, No use whatsoever. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances. — Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and a ther of television. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Rene Descartes walks into a bar and orders a drink. When he finishes the glass the bartender asks him if hed like another. Descartes says, I think not, and then vanishes.

Well, if you are not a Yankees n, then what team do you like?

What do you call a boomerang that doesnt come back? A stick. A SQL query goes into a bar, approaches two tables and says, Can I join you? To understand what is recursion you must first understand recursion Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, its good)…A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

The Red Sox, Janie answers.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and telling me, Youre next. They stopped when I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Thats no reason to be a Red Sox n, the teacher replies, annoyed.

Who likes the Yankees? Everyone raises a hand except one little girl.

It is r more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. — Miss Manners

Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy. Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that? Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! I wish I hadnt forgotten my glasses. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. ~ A dog who gave birth to puppies on the roadside was cited for littering. ~ A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. ~ A short fortune-teller escaped from prison to become a small medium, at-large. ~ Confidence is the feeling you have before you really understand the problem. ~ December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas. Some insist on a shirt; others a pair of socks, and the argument always ends in a tie. ~ Did you hear about the Broadway actor who broke through the floor boards? He was just going through a stage. ~ Disney World: A people-trap operated by a mouse. ~ Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? ~ Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? ~ Does your train of thought have a caboose? ~ Dont play stupid with me. I always win. ~ Dont spend four dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. Theyll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. ~ Dont worry what people think of you. They seldom do… ~ Ed admits that when he entered his dentists office for root canal work, he lost his nerve. ~ Even worse than raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs. ~ Everyone is on this low-t craze now. The Mayo Clinic just changed its name to the Balsamic Vinaigrette Clinic. ~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions. ~ For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. ~ Give so much time to the improvement of yourself you have no time to criticize others. ~ He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey. ~ I saw that TV show 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was shout for help. ~ I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian. ~ I was always taught, You become what you eat. So I only eat rich foods. Im still waiting… ~ If I vow to avoid poison ivy, am I a rash promise? ~ If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didnt he just buy dinner? ~ If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? ~ It is in the desert of Sinai that you find the mountain of God. ~ Life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass…its about learning to dance in the rain. ~ Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. ~ No matter how r you push the envelope, itll still be stationery. ~ Pick your friends, but not to pieces. ~ Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. ~ Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~ Sign in Produce Dept: Notice! Take lettuce from top of stack or heads will roll! ~ The biggest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. ~ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. ~ The dead batteries were given out free of charge. ~ The more you have, the less likely it is to be enough. ~ The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. ~ To write with a broken pencil is pointless. ~ Two hats were hanging on a rack in the hallway. One said to the other, You stay here, Ill go on a-head. ~ Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. ~ We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of. ~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? Its Christmas, Eve. ~ When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. ~ When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought shed dye. ~ When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. ~ When you get to your wits end, youll find God lives there. ~ Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? ~ You are stuck with your debt if you cant budge it.

TO: ALL PERSONNEL FROM: ACCOUNTING Much to our dismay, it has recently come to our attention that many of our employees have been turning in timesheets specifying an unusually large amount of Miscellaneous Unproductive Time (Code 5309). Within the Accounting Department, unproductive time isnt a problem. However, what is a problem is not knowing exactly what you are doing during this unproductive time. Based on our observations of employee activities, our department has constructed a charge sheet detailing a tentative extended job code list. The list below will enable a more accurate description of employee activities and unproductive events. Please begin using this job code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you may encounter. As always, were only here to help. Thank you. The Management Attached: Extended Job Code List Code Explanation —- ———– 5316 Meeting 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting 5319 Waiting for Break 5320 Waiting for Lunch 5321 Waiting for End of Day 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Less than Intelligent 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You 5481 Buying Snack 5482 Eating Snack 5500 Filling Out Timesheet 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen 5504 Sleeping 5510 Feeling Bored 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job 5601 Complaining About Low Pay 5602 Complaining About Long Hours 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes 5322 &ell clean em. ~ Can you cry under water? ~ Corduroy pillows – theyre headlines! ~ Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. ~ Dog Theology – You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs – you must be wonderful!; Cat Theology – You feed me, you care for me, you give me shelter and provide for all my needs – I must be wonderful! ~ Dont let your mind wander … anything that small should not be out ~ I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce. ~ I photocopied a mirror. Now I have an extra photocopy machine. ~ If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? ~ If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. ~ If you choked a Smurf, what color would he turn? ~ It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy. ~ I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. ~ Knock knock. Whos there? Goliath. Goliath who? Goliath down, you looketh tired. ~ Never let a computer know youre in a hurry. ~ No, my powers can only be used for good. ~ Some people just dont know how to drive…I call these people Everybody But Me. ~ Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject. ~ There are two types of people in this world: 1. Those who need closure ~ Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. ~ Time is just natures way to keep everything from happening at once. ~ Whens the best time to plant a tree? 15 years ago. Whens the second-best time? Today. ~ You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. ~ You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate.

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices, The Tao is embodied in all software — regardless of how insignificant, said the master. Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator? asked the novice. It is, came the reply. Is the Tao in a video game? continued the novice. It is even in a video game, said the master. And is the Tao in Windows for a personal computer? The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. The lesson is over for today, he said.

A cop just knocked on my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. Thats crazy. My dogs dont even own bikes!

Why in the world are you a Red Sox n?

from T h e T a o O f P r o g r a m m i n g section 4.3.

A bicycle cant stand on its own because it is two-tired. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. Show me a piano lling down a mineshaft and Ill show you A-flat minor. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. Whats the definition of a will? (Its a dead giveaway). When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought shed dye. When you dream in color, its a pigment of your imagination. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A mans home is his castle,new york asian escort model in a manor of speaking. A pessimists blood type is always b-negative. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Corduroy pillows are headlines. Dijon vu: The same mustard as before. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so they gave me the ax. I used to work in a blanket ctory, but it folded. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me its just kiln time. Santas helpers are subordinate clauses. Sea captains dont like crew cuts.

Im a yankees n, a first grade teacher explains to her class.

Because my mom and dad are Red Sox ns.

Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that. Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone. Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask r too much. Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams. Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down. Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred. Having been erased, The document youre seeking Must now be retyped.

You dont always have to be just like your parents. What if your mom and dad were morons? What would you be then?

Roses are ff0000 Violets are 0000ff All my base are belong to you chown -R us ./base > SELECT FROM users WHERE clue > 0 0 rows returned My other computer is your windows box. vi vi vi — Editor of the Beast

Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat with one tail has more tails than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but Id never met herbivore.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. ~George Carlin

What did the Buddha say to the hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything. After taking his money and giving Buddha his hot dog, the Buddha asks

Im not a Yankees n.

My first job was working in an orange juice ctory, but I got canned…couldnt concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasnt suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler ctory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didnt have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldnt cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasnt noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didnt have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe ctory – I tried but I just didnt fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldnt live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasnt up to it. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasnt fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. So, then I retired…and found out I was perfect for the job!

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or youll have to pee. Laws of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Any small, extremely expensive part that is accidentally dropped, will disappear from view… forever. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Bath Theorum: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine wont work, it will. Theatre Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphys Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-ced jelly sandwich landing ce down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the cleanliness (newness) and cost of the carpet/rug. Wilsons Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop it.

We occasionally stumble over the truth but most of us pick ourselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.

Couple in their seventies are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember… Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while Im in the kitchen? he asks. Will you get me a bowl of ice cream? Sure… Dont you think you should write it down, so you can remember it? she asks. No, I can remember it.. Well, Id like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it? He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. Id also like whipped cream. Im certain youll forget that, write it down? she asks. Irritated, he says, I dont need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake! Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment. Wheres my toast ? An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said: Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great… I would recommend it very highly.. The other man said, What is the name of the restaurant? The first man thought and thought and finally said, What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know…. the one thats red and has thorns. Do you mean a rose? Yes, thats the one, replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, Rose, whats the name of that restaurant we went to last night? Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didnt need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. I dont know, he said. Shes still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown. A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: So I hear youre getting married? Yep! Do I know her? Nope! This woman, is she good looking? Not really. Is she a good cook? Naw, she cant cook too well. Does she have lots of money? Nope! Poor as a church mouse. Well, then, is she good in bed? I dont know. Why in the world do you want to marry her then? Because she can still drive! A man was telling his neighbor: I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. Its perfect. Really, answered the neighbor, What kind is it? Twelve thirty.. Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, Humor the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, Youre really doing great, arent you? Morris replied, Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. The doctor said, I didnt say that.. I said, Youve got a heart murmur; be careful.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Change comes from within

Duct tape wont fix that. We dont keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You cant feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up – its not safe. Wrasslins ke. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? Were vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Whos Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the decor. Spitting is such a nasty habit. Trim the t off that steak. The tires on that truck are too big. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many t grams. Checkmate. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts? Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen. Elvis who?

Janie, the teacher says, surprised. Why didnt you raise your hand?

Today, I realized that math problems are the only place where someone can buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why. MLIA. Today, I realized Nazi germany surrendered to the united states on may 7th, 1945. Chuck Norris was born on may 6th, 1945. Coincidence? I think not. MLIA.

~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. ~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him. ~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power. ~ All that glitters has a high refractive index. ~ An unemployed jester is nobodys fool. ~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, Im going to choke it. ~ Aspire to inspire before you expire. ~ Bad decisions make good stories. ~ Beware of the letter G! It is the end of everything! ~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round? ~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his ther was right he usually has a son who thinks hes wrong. ~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I dont want to have to restart my collection…again. ~ Could you call sweat workmans condensation? ~ Every time I hear that dirty word, exercise, I wash out my mouth with chocolate. ~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before. ~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income? ~ I cant remember the last time I wasnt at least kind of tired. ~ I dont repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time. ~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.) ~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, Help! Help! ~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold. ~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe its procrastination. ~ Id like to be the ideal mother, but Im too busy raising my kids. ~ If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, Id spend six sharpening my axe. ~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the ther. ~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you werent doing much at 20. ~ Life is like photography…we use the negatives to develop. ~ Live so the preacher wont have to tell lies at your funeral. ~ Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize youre wrong. ~ Q: Whats brown and sticky? A: A stick. ~ Remember not only to say the right thing in tClean Jokes and Humorhe right place, but r more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. ~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted. ~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit. ~ Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know thats not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. ~ The late worm misses the early bird. ~ The second mouse gets the cheese. ~ Theres nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table. ~ Tomorrow is just a future yesterday. ~ Was learning cursive really necessary? ~ What disease did cured ham actually have? ~ Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly … on a broomstick. Were flexible like that. ~ Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch. ~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.

-Submitted by Tom Zahn to Readers Digest.


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