Me and the Mrs. had a big argument this morning. She wanted a cat. I wanted a dog. So we compromised and got a cat.
Who is your real friend? This really works…! If you dont believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your old lady in the trunk of your car for about an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Im sitting at the breakst table this morning when my wife says to me I finally realized something… for years Ive been saying, Im not a morning person. Then I realized it has nothing to do with morning. Its you!
Order your shirt today. Were Growing Bolder.
Even at 102, my Grandmother is confident she will live a long life. Recently, I bought her a brand new (although off-brand) sewing machine. She asked me, Where is the warranty? I replied, What do you care Grandma… It has a 25-year warranty! My Grandma replied, How do I know the company will be in business that long?
An old Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, Are you ready to find Jesus? The drunk shouts, Yes, oi am. So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, Brother, have you found Jesus? The drunk replies, No, oi havent found Jesus! The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, Have you found Jesus, me brother? The drunk answers, No, oi havent found Jesus! By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, For the love of God, have you found Jesus? The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, Are you sure this is where he bloody fell in? This is also available as a bumper sticker in my .
Went to one of them Starbucks places and ordered a decaf cappuccino. The guy told me we only sell regular cappuccino. I said Okay, Ill have one of those. Just give me your phone number so I have somebody to talk to when I cant sleep tonight.
The old man groaned but didnt budge. The usher became more impatient. Once again, the old man just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle,new york asian escort model and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success. Finally they summoned the police. The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, the old man moaned. asked the police officer. With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Humor Fred replied,
Lately my wife and I fight constantly. Ive been so upset and depressed, Ive lost 20 pounds. My friend said to me Arthur, if its that bad, why dont you leave her? I told him Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.
I just got back from a once in a lifetime vacation. Ill tell you what – never again.
An old man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, Do you have health insurance? He replied in a raspy voice, No health insurance. The nun asked, Do you have money in the bank? He replied, No money in the bank. The nun asked, Do you have a relative who could help you? He said, I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun. The nun became agitated and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. The patient replied, Good. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.
All you need is a little gray hair. The motorcycle is optional.
There once was a powerful old Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The old emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumble bee dropped dead at the Emperors feet, neatly chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, That is very impressive! The old emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead at the Emperors feet, neatly chopped into four small pieces. The old emperor exclaimed, That is very impressive! Now the old emperor turfunny photos? Humorned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead? The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, Circumcision is not meant to kill.
In ONE YEAR these windows will pay for themselves! Its been a year now I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. Dont mess with us seniors.